....I Really, Really Hate Valentine's Day and It Makes Me Smoke....

I WISH PEOPLE WOULD THINK BEFORE TELLING ME, "DON'T WORRY, SOMEDAY YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE."
Those people can shove it. I mean even if you told me that and I happen to love you as a friend, I'm still going to kill you. If my history has shown me anything, it's that no one wants me. Not even guys who can't get anyone. I'm getting pretty tired of Valentine's Day. I'm getting tired of huge hearts, candy, and cards that tell your "significant other" how perfect they really are. Normally I would shrug this off and say, "I don't need a man..." but as I get older, and yes I know I'm still pretty young, I feel like my life is waisted and worthless without someone to share it with. It sounds crap, it's really a pitty sandwich with extra whine, but it's true. It's getting so I can't even watch people kiss on T.V. It's killing me in ways I can't even believe. And it's making me snappy and hateful. I keep attacking my mom and her boyfriend because I have to sit there and watch them act happy and together. I don't wanna do that, and she keeps asking me what's wrong, but really she just doesn't want to see my cry anymore.

She never really has anyway. What can I do? You say I should go out and try to remedy my situation? Someday my prince will come? Well....the fucker ain't showed up yet. I've had sex with a fuck-load of losers trying to find him....and I don't like not loving the people I sleep with. It feels dirty. My soul feels used. I feel horrible about my body and myself. I feel fatter, uglier, more hopeless than anyone can in those moments. And I know what you're thinking: oh shut the fuck up your gorgeous! Or you're being realistic and you're thinking....yeah, you're not the best looking girl and you could stand to loose weight or have surgery. I mean what I WISHED I looked like is sort of counter productive to conventional beauty, but girls like this are sublimely beautiful to me:

I would love it if I looked like her. She's beautiful. Her tattoos are cool, she's just....perfect. I'd keep my cup size....lol....but I do love how she looks. She's what men want. She's what all you guys out there (unless your gay) want. You want someone who's thin, slutty, and dirty. You want someone with a waist so small you can hold onto her and pick her up. I don't have all that. As I type this....I realize that because I don't look like this and I'm alone, this is what my problem is. I'm not what any guy wants, and I'm broken about it. It's amazing, having big tits does not get you anywhere.

I have to force a smile, which is very hard at this point in my life. I usually only feel this way at weddings. Having to feel like this all day everyday in my own house is not doing me any good. It's making me very irritated and very angry. It's making eat more, and it's made me start smoking again.

I hadn't had a cigarette in three years, and had broken that a with a few cigarettes here and there. I have finished a pack off and started in a on a new one....and yeah that doesn't sound very hardcore but for me that's bad, because it was only within a few days. I want one now. I want go outside in the freezing, wet, and cold weather and smoke a cigarette and cry.

It could be worse, it could be making me drink....and I want a drink. I want a drink bad. I know that my life could be much worse....but I want a baby. I want a husband. I want a LIFE. Yes, I'm 26, I know. I've never wanted a little one more. I've never wanted to mean something someone so bad in my life.

Okay....so after all that....I have to leave you with some funny....I have to.

THE GRATUITOUS PICTURE OF MY VALENTINE!!!

Thank you baby, you make me feel so good. I love you.

HAZ A BETTAH NIGHT THAN ME PIPPLEZ!!

~Moni